There were 8 Seagulls in the Painting!


I have several groups, that I go to throughout the week, just to survive…me? Whatever! Anyway, I quite enjoy my groups and the people who attend them. Last night was one of those meetings. This meeting is the closest of my groups, in terms of people knowing me and my triggers (for lack of a better term).

Wednesday night into Thursday morning was a tense and hurtful time with one of my sons. I “kinda” shared this with my friend/sponsor, “FS”, briefly Thursday morning…everyone is having a tense time right now. So when I arrived we had some visitors to our group, which usually is fine. However, I was ambivelent about the visitors, because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have the control of the change, in that I would be quieter within the group with my private life, or if I was angry because the change would limit my freedom within the group.

Also, I missed a few groups in the last few weeks, because of illness and weather issues, and at last weeks meeting I was introduce to a new “self improvement” book we would be using in our fellowship. I still do not know the name of it, or what it is about, aside from the standard program “co-dependent” prevention. I was not surprised to find that this did not make me happy.

I am currently going to meetings, Thursday home group and a monthly Leaders home group. Also, on Mondays my ‘FS’ and I work on a “self improvement” program. The last thing I want is another “focus on your faults” thing during the week.

But need I be reminded that not everything is about me!?! Yet again?

I would have preferred a bible study of some kind. O’ well, woe is me!!

Anyway I have been battling the mind about the fact that it seems that each time I open my mouth for conversation with a friend I am rejected in some way. Either it’s pointed out, again:

1. that not everything is about me, and me comparing my situations to theirs, in the conversation, makes them feel that I don’t care about them.

2. that my contributions to a conversation is always too long ??? and story like.

3. or, and this is a fun one, they start out with the statement ” you don’t have to answer”, or add it when I go to respond.

4. and my personal favorite, “Can I call you back?”, especially if I need to talk.

So what to do? I’ve become quiet and contemplative in conversation. Which I might add they do not like either!!! But I knew this from an incident from last year. They expect me to contribute…???

So last night I resolved to contribute and keep things light. The beginning of the meeting everyone was pleasant everyone goofing with one another. We settled into the meeting with prayer and praise reports, the usual fare. Then an excerpt from the book was read, I determined that I would not respond, because others in the group were happy with the new addition to our group and it appeared to be something some of our friends were moved to share with.

The excerpt was in reference to controlling others’ lives and why it doesn’t work for anyone. A subject I am very versed on from my counseling sessions of the last few years. A suffering co-dependent, I battle the need to control others for my own comfort, often. So I let others share.

Then I was asked to share, or at least I was brought into the conversation. I don’t remember clearly because I was then stopped mid-response and told I didn’t need to go into detail! My response was angry, silent tears, which were then brought to the attention of everyone there. My other close friend, amused somehow, slapped the table and mimiced whining and crying very loudly…you know…boohooohooo wahwah! I was now beyond anger! My “FS” then responded, “No, not again”, innocently she did not mean that I was “sharing too much” but that she did not want me to feel the need to give a full account of my recent family issues. It was too late…I spent most of the rest of the meeting counting Seagulls in one of her painting…there were 8…here is an example of her beautiful paintings…it is not the painting I counted. 

Painting by Julie Ratushny
Painting by Julie Ratushny

So the rest of the meeting was not comfortable for me. I’m sure a few of the ladies felt it, yet they kindly went about the meeting seemingly undisturbed. I appreciated that, I really did.

I’ve come to a point in my life’s recovery that I am having issues with constant correction from people who once expressed that what made them like me was that I was real. I communicated the same way then as I do now, so what is different now? I wonder.
 
I just want to be able to have a simple conversation with friends who give a … care about what I feel and have to say. I get the feeling that they don’t want to have their inadequacies pointed out by me, any more than I want mine pointed out. But is that not what being friends is about. The mutual acceptance that we are accountable to one another?
 
Maybe my problems and issues are just too much anymore, for them. I have been going through all of these issues and probably menopause, as well, for quite some time. Maybe they are just tired of it…of me…of listening.
 
Oh well. I guess all will be revealed. I don’t know when though. My good friend who made light of my pain at the meeting is having issues of her own. Of course she only shared with me because I don’t gossip. So we have been talking about her issues. She still doesn’t know, that I am aware of, about my issues of pain this week.
 
My “SF” has not called me or have we spoken since the meeting on Thursday. She is probably just giving me my space, she does not often invade space.  It will be pointed out that they have lives and that my issues were not at the forefront of their agendas. Again, “everything is not about me”.
 
I guess I just hurt. It will fade in time and we will all act like it never happened. The usual fare…
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