Looking Up Again…I know where my help comes from.
As I begin this post I have no title for it.
I have, literally, spent much time with God this week. No one (friends) have been around, they have their own lives. No one here at home is around either.
I laugh, but with a razors edge, it is not funny.
So where am I now? Maybe that is the title, we will see.
I spent the week depressed, angry and frustrated, on many levels. Thursday, the 19th, my friend moved into the basement apartment of my other friend and sponsor. I had admitted to the latter that I was ambivalent about that. I have since admitted that too my entire Thursday night women’s group, and in a post here or on Hopeannfaith’s Well
The emotions increased throughout the week. I have checked the calendar and there is no reason, hormonally, for this outpouring of venomous emotion. Unless I simply want to blame it on menopause itself. So my solutions?
I go to God.
It is a difficult deal, this communing with God, one on one. My humanity kept taking me right back to the flesh, desiring tangible people to be my salvation from this.
Frustration, with myself, has now been added to the list of wrongs the 5 year old was compiling within me. Yes, apparently she has resurfaced with her stomping shoes on! Lovely, I gotta’ tell you, and her mouth…get the Lifebouy Ralphie!
So I ran back and forth, throughout the week, between God’s throne room and my living room.
I am continually amazed that we are formed in such a way that we actually can delude ourselves into believing we’d be able to fix anything in the natural realm.
Crazy creatures we are.
Physically sound and beautiful. Spiritually knowledgeable and wise. All the while the two challenging one another for control.
Ahhh, I beg the day the two come in line simultaneously.
That would be the epiphanies of life. I’ve been blessed to have a few. I have documented some. I try to because we are more easily pulled back to a place of faith by the memories of past victories in Christ. The epiphanies do the same for me.
God and I spent the week together. I would wander and He would gently call me back. I am grateful and humbled by His faithfulness to me.
Me. I who sin, who question, who eternally gets all of this wrong.
The bible says:
5 Every valley will be filled, and every mountain and hill will be made low; the crooked will become straight, the rough ways smooth, 6 and everyone will see the salvation of God.”
~ that mountain is in reference to me here. While God has given us the authority through Christ Jesus to move mountains, we remain immovable mountains ourselves. I find this to be true, in my life. My humanity, my self- involvement makes me immovable, makes me crooked. Ah, but He has created me soft and malleable, a virtual lump of moldable clay, to be shaped by His very supple and steadfast hand.
All of God’s work this week has brought me to an epiphany. However, I have come to realize that the epiphany has not had an effect upon my feelings. I understand what God has shown me and given me in this week’s time. Yet, I remain angry and frustrated and hurt. I remain in the understanding that though I do what it is I am moved by my God to do, in obedience, I do not feel it, as they say.
Proverbs 3:4-6 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;
That I must not follow, any longer, what people, my friends, tell me.
In my Thursday night woman’s group one of the ladies said that she believes that God speaks through people. I agreed, He does, but first and foremost He speaks through the Word, the bible. I am to listen to my Father’s voice only. Hear those who attempt to edify, yet check it according to the Word, and discard what is not there.
My friends are unable to help me, nor I them. My husband cannot help me. In fact they will only disappoint my human sensibilities. Mind you, this is not a judgment or insult to them.
These things within me, now, can only be handled in the Spiritual. Only God, with my consent, can do this thing.
I have come back to the beginning again. I have returned to what eats at my very core. Anger and frustration. Yet, God is with me, I am obedient to the best of my ability, which has been poor of late. I will conquer this thing, yet again. I will walk in humility and peace, the peace of God.
I have been put in a place where my only source, my only option is God. Is there a better place? I think not.
Yet, how long, I ask, will I continue to be forgetful enough to desire less than my Father’s hand. How long will I be mindful of the wisdom of men, before the Spirit brings to my remembrance that only God is my source of knowledge, wisdom?
4 Every valley will be lifted up, and every mountain and hill will be leveled; the uneven ground will become smooth and the rough places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will appear, and all humanity will see [it] together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.
I’ve know for awhile now that my focus must remain on God, and His will for my life.
God has revealed to me that I, as well as my two friends, am treading water. We have come to this place, of our own volitions, that He has allowed. A place where only He, Our Father, can fix things.
My frustration is with my humanity. I desire the sensibility of the divine that rises within me, if only for short periods, when in the presence of my Almighty Father God. This desire, I trust will bring me to a place where I reside in the heavenlies, where it is we were all meant to live. I trust, specifically a knowing, that God will guide me, by my request and obedience, to the place where I am the woman of God I was meant to be.
It no longer matters who my friend’s are, what they advise. It no longer matters that my love, my husband, is not my source, I can enjoy the blessing of his love reasonably. No longer making him responsible for my miseries and pain.
I look forward to the day I no longer grieve my husband with the sense that he is useless in regard to my happiness and emotions. I look forward to never seeing the frustration in his crystal blue eyes, that how I behave has caused.
Truthfully, I cherish the thought of the day when I am honestly submitted to this man who God chose for me.
Looking Up Again, to the Hills…I know where my help comes from. My Help comes from my Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus.